It’s really hard to remember myself back that far. I was wanting to understand myself because I was such a mess at that time and I was also wanting to understand my husband. About 4 years ago he decided he want to have a different life. For me, it was quite a bit shock because in my mind I was going to be married to him for the rest of my life. I thought we were going to have our ideal retirement , have a beautiful home and get to travel together but it wasn’t to be that way.
My old world was totally co dependent, I didn’t really do anything without my husband, whatever happened I’d always think he was gonna be better the next day, anyway he made the decision to leave and I was just devastated and I also felt like I’ve disconnected from my kids coz I couldn’t understand what was going on. They are all adults but it’s all very difficult for them too. At first I thought it was like the end of the world but I can now four years later see the gift in it because I found me and there was no me before that.
My friends has been long standing friends now look at me and go wow, you need to be yourself first and if the ideal man is there, you’ll be able to contribute more rather than you feeling like you’re gonna live your life through him, you have to live your life through yourself. And I get out of bed every morning almost every morning almost between 5:30 and 6 o’clock and I can’t wait to go for a walk and a swim and start my day. I’m going to go and do the rocky mountain gold leaf trip and I’m also going to do the Alaska trip on boat which I had planned to do with my partner but I’m gonna do it by myself this time and meet a whole lot of new people so I’m intending to have a lot of fun and I couldn’t have seen myself ever doing anything like that before by myself.
Over the period of time I’ve created my own happy memories so now I can see life that I’ve got lots of happy memories happening to me everyday, special moments that happen to me all the time. So I’ve started creating a photo album and I’ve also got that photo album in my mind and I’ve also got it in my heart and all the special things that happen to me everyday and I can also look back in the past and remember those happy times too. One stage I didn’t I didn’t like going to bed by myself but now it doesn’t bother me. I take up the whole bed.